my day when i am depresso espresso
bp disorder is a bitch and a half ^^; just gotta ride the highs to get through the lows
It's 2:00 pm and your phone’s alarm has been screaming next to your ear since 10:00 am. But you know this–dreaming is more fun than being awake and life doesn’t seem so dull and gray when you’re sleeping.
being startled awake every 15 minutes gets old though, and eventually your phone gets caught between half-undone sheets and by that time you can’t find your phone to snooze the blaring alarm while half-asleep.
So you open your eyes. Turn over and roam your hands aimlessly between the mattress and sheets and blanket. Found your phone.
It’s 3:00 pm now, but not that it registers in your foggy brain.
You scroll in bed for the next two hours until a faint rumbling from your stomach signals that you should probably eat. You order your usual fast food meal on UberEats, paying twenty dollars for a five dollar meal. Not that it registers. Brain’s still foggy and you cannot think.
It’s just self-care, as you hit the “order” button on the app. You would’ve cooked if you did the dishes if you cleaned your counter if you had the energy. Blah. It’s whatever. You can’t palate anything but junk food right now anyway.
You get out of bed to get your first hit of nicotine of the day and you ride that high all the way to the bathroom. Brush your teeth, wash your face. You pat yourself on the back for doing skincare more regularly, good job.
Go back to rotting on the couch until the delivery man rings your doorbell. Get your food, stepping over empty take-out boxes and plastic on the floor. Eat your meal, it’s your first hit of dopamine today. Feel good for a little bit. Leave trash on your coffee table as you rot on the couch, again.
Scroll, scroll, scroll on your phone.
It’s 7 pm now.
Scroll, scroll, scroll.
You dimly notice that your apartment is getting dark. Too tired to get off the couch.
You scroll for a few more hours until you are enveloped in darkness. You hate the dark, so you get off the couch to turn on your lights. You take the opportunity of being on your feet to get on your bed instead.
Brain is still foggy. Everything is still dull and gray and boring. Not that it registers.
Scrolling is getting unbearably boring, now. You turn on your music and hit shuffle, listening while staring at the ceiling.
It’s 11 pm now. Another day claimed by depression. But hey, at least you don’t want to kill yourself anymore. You pat yourself on the back, good job.
That gave you a little boost of serotonin, enough for you to muster the strength to sing along to whatever song that’s playing. Your voice is hoarse–it’s the first time you spoke today. Nice. another pat on the back, good job.
Not enough serotonin to get you off of bed, though. You turn off the lights from your bed–thank God for studio apartments–and snuggle into your blankets. It feels nice.
You scroll on your phone until 2 am, when you decide to go to sleep. You are excited for the first time today. You wonder what fantasy landscape awaits in your dreams as you doze blissfully to sleep.
